Funeral etiquette in the UK

Nobody is taught how to behave at a funeral and nearly everyone worries about it, and the worry keeps some people away, which is the one real mistake. The rules are simple, they exist so that the guests do not add to the family’s load, and where the family has said what they want, that overrides everything else. This guide is the general rule for a British funeral, in the order you will meet it.

Whether to go

If you knew the person or you know someone in the family, go. Funerals are not invitation-only unless the notice says “private”, and a colleague’s presence at a parent’s funeral means more than the colleague expects. If you cannot go, send a card, and what to say when someone dies covers what to put in it.

Letting the family know

For a large funeral there is no need. For a small one, or if you will be travelling far, a message to say you are coming is welcome, and never a message that needs answering. Do not ring the family to ask for details; ask the funeral director, whose name is on the notice, or another guest.

What to wear

Dark, smart and plain: a dark suit or a dark dress or trousers, a shirt, quiet shoes. Black is not required and has not been for some years; navy, grey and dark green are all fine. Cover the shoulders and avoid anything that draws the eye. If the family has asked for bright colours, football colours, or “no black”, do it; it is their day and the request usually reflects the person. For a faith funeral, see below.

Flowers or a donation

Read the notice. “Family flowers only” means do not send flowers, and usually names a charity for a donation instead, which is made online or in the collection at the funeral. If nothing is said, a small arrangement sent to the funeral director the day before, with a card, is traditional and always welcome, and a donation is never wrong. Do not bring flowers to the service in your hands unless it is that kind of funeral.

Arriving

Ten to fifteen minutes before the time. Crematoria run to a timetable and a late arrival walks in during the service. Switch the phone off, not to silent. Wait outside or in the waiting room until the hearse arrives; the family follows the coffin in and everyone else is seated before that.

Where to sit

The front rows are the family’s, and at a crematorium they are usually marked. Sit further back, and leave the aisle seats for the family and for people who need to leave. At a church the same. If in doubt, sit at the back and move forward if invited.

During the service

Stand when the family stands, sit when they sit, and join in the hymns or the responses if you know them and stay silent if you do not; nobody minds either. Do not photograph anything unless the family has asked for it. If you have a child with you, take them out if they need to go, quietly, by the side. What happens at a cremation service walks through the half hour.

What to say to the family

At the door afterwards, or in the line, keep it to one sentence: “I’m so sorry. He was a lovely man.” Say the person’s name. Do not say anything beginning “at least”, and do not ask how they are, which they cannot answer. If you knew the person well, a single memory, briefly, is a gift. Then move on so that the next person can speak.

The wake

If you are invited, and at most British funerals everyone present is, go, at least for an hour. The wake is where the family hears the stories and where the funeral becomes bearable, and the guests who leave after the service are missed. Eat, talk to people you do not know, tell a story about the person if you have one, and leave when it feels right; nobody watches the clock.

Different faiths

A Catholic funeral has a Mass, and guests who are not Catholic stay in their seats at communion. A Muslim funeral is quick and simple, at a mosque and then the cemetery, and women may pray separately or not attend the graveside; dress modestly and cover the head if asked. A Jewish funeral is at a cemetery or a funeral hall, without flowers, and men cover their heads; the family sits shiva at home afterwards and visits are welcome. A Hindu or Sikh funeral is at a crematorium, white is the colour of mourning rather than black, and guests may be asked to remove shoes. An Orthodox funeral has an open coffin at the church, which guests may approach or not. In every case, the family or the funeral director will say what is expected if you ask, and asking is never rude. What different faiths say about cremation has more on each tradition.

Afterwards

The kindest thing a guest can do is what almost none do: send a message a month later. How to support someone who is grieving is about that.

What the family at the door is going through is in coping with grief in the first weeks, which is worth reading before you stand in the line.