What to say when someone dies, and what not to say

Almost nobody knows what to say when someone dies, and most people solve that by saying nothing, which is the one thing that reliably hurts. This guide is what to say instead, in the three situations you will meet it, and the handful of things people say that land badly, with why. None of it needs to be eloquent. It needs to be said.

The three things that always work

Say you are sorry. “I’m so sorry about your mum.” That sentence, plain, is what nearly everyone wants to hear and nearly everyone is afraid to say. It does not need improving.

Say their name. The person who died had a name, and the bereaved want to hear it. “I’m so sorry about John” is better than “I’m so sorry for your loss”, and a memory with the name in it, “I keep thinking about John at that barbecue”, is better still. People avoid the name for fear of upsetting the bereaved; the silence around it upsets them more.

Say one specific thing you will do. Not “let me know if you need anything”, which puts the work on them and which they will never take up. “I’m bringing dinner on Thursday.” “I’ll pick the kids up this week.” “I’ll sit with you at the funeral.” One thing, definite, and then do it.

In person

Say the three things, and then stop talking and listen. Most of what the bereaved need in a conversation is to say what happened, often several times, to someone who does not interrupt, fix, or change the subject. If they cry, stay. If they do not, do not read anything into it. If you cannot find words, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is a complete sentence.

By message

Short, and sent, rather than long and abandoned. “I’ve just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you and I’ll ring at the weekend.” Do not ask questions that need answering, and do not expect a reply. A message that says “no need to reply” is a kindness.

In a card

The same three things, in your own handwriting. A memory of the person if you have one, a sentence about what they meant to you, and the specific offer. Cards are kept and reread for years; a single true sentence outlasts a printed verse. If you want a line to open with, ten quotes about grief and loss has some that families have used, but your own sentence is worth more.

Six things not to say, and why

“They’re in a better place.” You do not know that, and the bereaved do not want them in a better place; they want them here.

“At least they’re not suffering,” or “at least they had a long life.” Any sentence that begins with “at least” is asking the bereaved to be grateful for their loss.

“Everything happens for a reason.” It does not, and the bereaved are looking at the evidence.

“I know how you feel.” You do not, even if you have been bereaved yourself. “I remember how lost I felt when my dad died” is a different sentence and a good one.

“Time heals,” or “you’ll get over it.” The first is not what they want to hear in week one, and the second is not true; how long does grief last is what actually happens.

“Be strong,” or “they wouldn’t want you to be sad.” Both ask the bereaved to manage their grief for your comfort.

None of these is unforgivable, and most bereaved people know they were meant kindly. But the three things that work are easier to say than any of them, and they do not need taking back.

The second message

Everyone writes in the first week and nobody writes in the sixth, and the sixth is when the bereaved are alone with it. Put a note in your diary for a month after the funeral and send one line: “Thinking of you and John today. No need to reply.” That message is the one families tell us they kept.

If you want to do more than say something

How to support someone who is grieving is the practical half: what to do, what to bring, and how to keep doing it after the first fortnight. And if you are going to the funeral, funeral etiquette in the UK covers what to wear and what to say there.

What the person you are writing to is going through is in coping with grief in the first weeks, and reading it makes the right sentence easier to find.