Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that other people do not recognise or acknowledge, so the person grieving gets little support. It can follow the death of an ex-partner, a colleague or a pet, or a loss that is hard to talk about, and it can leave people feeling isolated.

Where the term comes from

The term was coined by Dr Kenneth J. Doka in 1989, to describe grief that is not acknowledged on a personal or a social level. The loss is real. What is missing is other people’s recognition of it.

When it can happen

Often the relationship is one that others do not count: an ex-husband or ex-wife, an unmarried partner, a co-worker, a pet. Sometimes the circumstances of the death make it hard to speak about. Sometimes the loss is not a death at all. In each case the person grieving can be left without the usual support, and without a place in the funeral or the mourning customs that others keep.

What it can feel like

When the people around you treat a loss as if it does not matter, the feelings can grow stronger rather than fade. People describe isolation and self-doubt, and many wonder whether they have any right to feel as they do. Your grief is still grief, whoever else recognises it.

Where to find support

A grief that nobody around you acknowledges is one of the signs that it may help to look for support outside your own circle. Bereavement charities such as Cruse are there for anyone who is grieving, with no referral needed and no need to be in crisis. Your GP can refer you to counselling too. Most people who ring a helpline simply need to say it to someone, and to be heard.