Condolences

Condolences are words of sympathy offered to someone whose relative or friend has died. They are often written in a card or a condolence book, or said in person at the funeral or afterwards.

Ways to offer them

The word comes from the Latin con, with, and dolore, sorrow. A card or a letter is the commonest form. People also sign a condolence book, give to a charity the family has named, or bring a meal round. All of these say the same thing: that someone noticed, and cares.

What to write or say

Cruse Bereavement Support found that nearly a third of British people are afraid of writing to someone who is grieving, mostly for fear of saying the wrong thing. Yet the hurt comes from silence far more than from clumsy words. Say you are sorry, simply. Use the person’s name, because hearing it tells the family that they mattered. Add one real memory if you have one, however small, and offer one specific thing you will actually do, such as a meal on Thursday or a call on Sunday evening.

Some phrases tend to hurt even when they are kindly meant. Anything that begins with at least asks the family to feel better than they do, and I know how you feel turns the message towards you. You do not need to ask how the person died.

If your message is late

It is not too late. Most support arrives in the first fortnight and then falls away, while grief carries on for months and years. A card six weeks later, or on a birthday, an anniversary or at Christmas, often means more because it comes when others have gone quiet.

If the death was abroad

A family whose relative died in another country may be dealing with consulates and transport for a week or more before any funeral. A message now, rather than one held back for the funeral, is welcome, and a practical offer, a lift or help with a phone call, matters even more. See also bereavement.