What to do with the ashes: your options

When the ashes come back, families often feel they should know what to do with them, and most do not. That is normal. There is no deadline, no legal requirement to do anything at all, and no wrong answer among the options below. Most families keep the ashes at home for a while first, and some keep them for good. This guide is the six things families do, what each needs, and the two rules that exist.

The two rules

On land, you need the permission of whoever owns it. Your own garden needs no one’s. A public park, a football ground, a hillside or a beach belongs to someone, and scattering there without asking is a trespass rather than a crime, but ask. On water, rivers, lakes and the sea, the Environment Agency asks that you keep away from marinas, fisheries, bathing areas and drinking water intakes, and that you scatter the ashes and not the container. No licence is needed for either. Abroad, the rules are each country’s own, and taking ashes abroad covers them.

Keeping them at home

The commonest first choice and often the last. The ashes stay in the container they came in, or in an urn chosen for the purpose, on a shelf, in a cupboard, in a place the person liked. There is nothing morbid about it and nothing that needs to be done. Some families keep them until a second death and then bury or scatter both together. Choosing an urn is for the family who want something other than the container.

Scattering

On a hill, at a beach, in a garden, on a river, at a place that meant something. It can be done by one person alone or by the whole family as the memorial itself, with words or without. A scattering tube, which most funeral directors supply, makes it possible to scatter in a breeze without the ashes blowing back. Ashes are about two to four kilograms for an adult, more than people expect, and scattering takes a minute or two rather than a moment.

Burying them

In a family grave, where a cemetery will usually allow ashes to be interred in an existing grave for a fee much smaller than a new one; in a small ashes plot, which most cemeteries and churchyards sell; or in a garden, which is legal on your own land, though it stays with the house when it is sold. A biodegradable urn is the usual choice for a burial. The cemetery or the church will have a short form and a fee.

A garden of remembrance

Nearly every crematorium has one, and the ashes can be scattered or buried there, usually by the crematorium’s own staff with or without the family present, with a plaque or an entry in the book of remembrance if the family wants one. It is the choice for a family that wants a place to visit without a grave to maintain.

Dividing them

Ashes can be divided between family members, between two places, or between a burial and a keepsake. Small keepsake urns and jewellery that holds a token amount exist for this, and dividing takes nothing from the person. Families sometimes worry that it is disrespectful; it is not, and it is common where a family is spread across countries.

Taking them abroad

Ashes travel far more easily than a coffin, as hand luggage on a flight or by a specialist courier, with the cremation certificate and a few other papers. Some countries, mostly where cremation is not practised, do not permit ashes to be brought in, and the consulate will say. Taking ashes abroad has the documents and the cost, and taking ashes on a plane has the airline and airport rules.

Making it the goodbye

For a family who chose a direct cremation, whichever of these they do can be the ceremony: the scattering on the hill with everyone there, the burial in the family grave with a few words, the gathering at home with the urn on the table. Planning a memorial service after a direct cremation is the guide for that day, and there is no hurry to fix a date for it.

For how the ashes come to be in your hands in the first place, direct cremation step by step follows the days before this page.