When to get bereavement counselling, and where to find it

Grief is not an illness and most people come through it with the people around them and time. Some do not, and for them there is help, most of it free, none of it hard to reach once you know the routes. This guide is the sign that it is time, and then every route in the UK, with what each is for, what it costs and how long it takes.

The sign

Not how sad you are, and not how long it has been. The sign is whether you can live: get up, eat, sleep some of the time, work or manage the house, see people. If you cannot, for weeks at a stretch, at any point after a death, that is the time. So is drinking to cope, so is a grief that no one around you recognises, so is a death that was sudden, violent, or abroad without a goodbye. And if you have thoughts of harming yourself, that is not a sign to think about; it is the crisis line, now, at the end of this page.

Your GP

The first call for most people. A GP can refer you to NHS talking therapies and to local bereavement counselling, can help with sleep, which is the commonest reason people go, and can check that what you are feeling is grief and not something else that needs treating. Free. The appointment is days; the referral onward can be weeks.

Cruse Bereavement Support

The national bereavement charity. A free helpline on 0808 808 1677, open on weekdays, staffed by trained volunteers, for anyone grieving, with an interpreter available if English is not your language; local branches across the UK offering one-to-one and group support, usually after a short wait; and a website that describes grief better than most. You do not need a referral and you do not need to be in crisis. Most people who ring simply need to say it to someone.

Sue Ryder

Free online bereavement support: an online community you can post in at any hour, written guidance, and counselling by video for over-18s, reached through a short online triage that decides what level of help fits and can offer further sessions. The counselling side is running as a pilot, so what is offered can change. Sue Ryder is the route for people who would rather type or talk from home than sit in a room.

NHS talking therapies

Free counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy through the NHS, which you can refer yourself to online in England without a GP if you are 18 or over, and which a GP can refer you to anywhere. It is for depression and anxiety, and grief that has become either qualifies. The wait varies by area from a few weeks to longer, and the treatment is a set number of sessions.

Private counselling

A qualified bereavement counsellor, found through the BACP or the UKCP registers, at a fee per session that varies by area. No wait, your choice of person, and the route for people who can afford it and do not want to wait for the NHS. Check that the counsellor is registered and has bereavement experience.

Specialist charities

For particular losses, there are specialists who understand what the general services may not: Child Bereavement UK, which Winston’s Wish has now joined, for a child who is grieving, on 0800 02 888 40; The Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost a child; Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide for that loss; Widowed and Young for people aged 50 or under who have lost a partner; and Marie Curie’s support line on 0800 090 2309 for anyone bereaved after a terminal illness. All have helplines, and all are free to call except The Compassionate Friends’, which costs the same as a call to a landline.

The crisis lines

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, ring the Samaritans on 116 123, at any hour, free, from any phone. If you are in immediate danger, ring 999. Neither is an overreaction, and both are used every night by people who felt they were making a fuss. If it is tonight, it is these numbers, not the ones above.

If you are far from home

Many of the families we work with are grieving in one country for someone whose funeral was in another, and the services above are for them as much as for anyone; Cruse and Sue Ryder do not ask where the death was. Grieving far from home is written for that situation.

What to expect

That the first call is the hardest part. That a counsellor will not tell you how to feel or when to stop. That a few sessions are often enough, and that going once and not going back is allowed. Coping with grief in the first weeks is the page for before this one, and how long does grief last is for the question that usually brings people here.