Telling a child that someone has died

Parents put off telling a child because they want to protect them, and children always know something has happened. The kindest thing is to tell them today, in plain words, from someone they trust, and then to answer whatever they ask, for as long as they ask it. This guide is how to do that at each age, drawn from what Child Bereavement UK, which Winston’s Wish has now joined, and Cruse advise, and what we see in families.

How to say it

Sit down with them, somewhere familiar, without a television on. Say it in three or four short sentences: “I have some very sad news. Grandad died this morning. His heart stopped working and the doctors couldn’t make it start again. He isn’t in pain and he isn’t coming back.” Then stop, and let them react however they react, which may be tears, a question, or a request to go and play. All three are normal.

Use the word “died”. Explain, simply and truthfully, what happened, in words for their age. Say clearly that it was nobody’s fault and that nothing they did or thought caused it, because children of all ages privately wonder. And say who will look after them, because that is the question under every other question.

Under five

A very young child does not understand that death is permanent and will ask, days later, when Grandad is coming back. Answer the same way each time, patiently: he died, and that means his body stopped working and he can’t come back, and we can remember him. They will grieve in bursts, sad for ten minutes and then wanting a biscuit, and that is how it is at this age. Keep their routine, which is their safety.

Five to eight

Children of this age begin to understand that death is permanent and start to ask the practical questions: where is Grandad now, what happens at a funeral, will you die, will I. Answer them honestly and briefly. “Everyone dies one day, but most people live until they are very old, and I’m planning to be here for a very long time.” They may show grief as behaviour, tantrums, clinginess, trouble at school, rather than as sadness, and they may worry about the surviving people. They can go to the funeral and usually should, prepared; should children go to the funeral is about that.

Nine to twelve

They understand death as adults do and feel it as adults do, and they may hide it to protect you. Give them the facts, including the harder ones if they ask, and give them a way to take part: choosing a photograph, a reading, a song. Watch for the child who becomes very good and very quiet; that is often the one who needs the most.

Teenagers

Tell them the same way and expect anything, from silence to fury to apparent indifference, sometimes all in one day. They may grieve with friends rather than with you, and online, and that is not rejection. They need to be told they can talk and they need not to be forced to. They can be given real responsibilities in the days after, and often want them. A teenager’s grief can look like risk-taking or withdrawal months later, and the school should know.

In the weeks after

Keep the routine: school, meals, bedtime. Tell the school and ask them to tell the child’s teacher, so that a bad day is understood. Let the child see you grieve, within limits; a parent who hides everything teaches the child to hide everything. Keep the person’s name in the house and let the child talk about them, look at photographs, keep something of theirs. And answer the questions, which come for months, often at bedtime, and often the same question again.

When to get more help

If a child, months on, cannot sleep, will not eat, will not go to school, or is frightened all the time, or if the death was sudden, violent or a parent’s, the children’s bereavement charities are there for exactly this. Child Bereavement UK, one charity with Winston’s Wish since 2026, runs a free helpline on 0800 02 888 40 for parents and for children and young people up to 25, with live chat, email and WhatsApp alongside it, and it is used most by parents who simply want to check that what they are seeing is normal, which it usually is. When to get bereavement counselling lists them with the adult services.

Looking after yourself

You are grieving too, and a child needs the adult in front of them to be standing up. Coping with grief in the first weeks is for you, and asking a friend to take the child for an afternoon so that you can fall apart in private is not a failure; it is how parents do this.