When a death is expected: what you can arrange in advance

When a death is expected, the weeks before it are hard in their own way, and they are also the only time when certain things can be done. A family that uses them has a calmer first week afterwards, not because the grief is less but because the practical part is not competing with it. This guide is what can be arranged in advance, what must wait, and the conversations worth having while they can be.

The conversations worth having now

What they want. Burial or cremation, a service or not, where the ashes should go, what music, who should speak. Many people who are dying want to be asked and are relieved when someone does; some do not, and should not be pressed. If the person can say it, write it down, and it spares the family the argument about what they would have wanted. Is a direct cremation right for us is a useful page to read with them, whichever way they lean.

Where things are. The will, the deeds, the bank accounts, the pension, the passwords to the phone and the email. Putting your affairs in order is the list, and a person who is dying can often still do the seventh item on it, telling someone where it all is, when they can no longer do the others.

What they want to say. This is not a practical item and it is the one families most regret leaving. The person who is dying often wants to say things and is waiting to be given permission; so are the family. Marie Curie’s guidance on these conversations is good and short.

What can be arranged before the death

The will and a power of attorney. A person who still has capacity can make or change a will, and can make a lasting power of attorney, in a matter of days with a solicitor who will come to the house or the hospice. Once capacity is lost, neither can be done, and the family’s options narrow sharply; what happens when someone dies without a will is what follows.

The funeral, in outline. You can choose a funeral director, ask what will happen on the first day, ask the price and have it in writing, without committing to anything. If it is a direct cremation with us, the £1,295 is fixed and we will tell you exactly what the first call will be like. If a repatriation is planned, because the person wants to be buried in their home country, telling us in advance lets us explain the documents and the consulate before the four-day coroner’s clock starts; repatriation, step by step is that conversation.

The practical side of the last days. The hospice or the district nurses will tell you what to expect physically and what to do at the moment of death, which is usually to ring them rather than 999. What happens when someone dies at home is the first hours, and it is worth reading before rather than after. Ask the hospice for the out-of-hours number and put it by the phone.

The people. Decide now who will be told first and by whom, so that the first hour is not spent working it out.

What must wait

The death cannot be registered, the medical certificate cannot be issued, Tell Us Once cannot be used, the funeral cannot be booked and the bank cannot be told until the death has happened, and none of those should be attempted early. What to do when someone dies is the order they go in, and a family that has read it before the death finds the first week is a list they recognise rather than a fog.

Looking after yourself in the weeks before

Anticipatory grief is real: the grieving that starts before the death, with all the exhaustion and the waves and the guilt of ordinary grief, plus the strain of caring. Sleep when the person sleeps. Let the hospice or the nurses take some of the nights. Accept the meals. And know that the relief you may feel when it is over is the natural end of the caring and not a betrayal; is it normal to feel relief, or nothing at all is written for the carers who feel it.

Afterwards

The first week is the list above, and coping with grief in the first weeks is what follows it. Families who prepared say the strangest thing about the death itself is that they had been grieving for weeks already and it still arrived as a shock. It does. Nothing here prevents that, and nothing should.